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April 21, 2003

Insensitivity Poker, Part 3


cards.gif Hey. You. Do you like apples?
Well, tough shit, Jack! All we got here is some brand spankin' new poker variants!

1) WORLD TRADE CENTER. Standard seven-card stud. Before the cards are dealt, however, four cards are laid face-up in the table in "twin towers" formation. Red Jacks, black Kings (see below) and duplicate cards are shuffled back into the deck so that all four cards are unique. These four cards are all considered wild. However, should a 10, representing a planeload of hijackers, be dealt face-up to any player, he may choose to destroy either one of the towers, thereby rendering those cards no longer wild. If, at the time the 10 is dealt, another player already has an 8 face-up ... representing the flight that was shot down by F-18s forced down by heroic passengers over Pennsylvania ... he may, if he so chooses, prevent the tower from being hit and destroyed. The only cards which are always wild are the Red Jack, representing John Walker Lindh, and the Black King, representing Colin Powell.

2) SICILIAN. Similar to Italian, with a couple of key differences. First, the Sicilian is the player with either the highest Ace or the most Aces showing after the fourth face-up card is dealt. (If no Aces are showing, there is no Sicilian.) Second, the Sicilian, once he has chosen a player to trade cards with, may "make him an offer": that is, give him a choice between taking the cards the Sicilian offers and paying the Sicilian between one and twenty chips (as decided by the Sicilian) to refuse the trade. Finally, if the Sicilian does trade cards with another player, but does not have him whacked by slipping him a face card, the other player "owes him a favor" and, should he win, must give half the pot to the Sicilian.

3) PIGFUCKER. Standard five-card draw: two bets, one draw. However, anyone with anything at all in his hand -- even a pair of deuces -- cannot fold. If, after the draw takes place, one player folds and none of the others can do the same, the folding player wins the pot. If it turns out that more than one player can fold, the second player to fold wins the pot. If nobody can fold, the game reverts to standard five-card draw: whoever has the best hand wins the pot.

4) NRA. This game can be played as either a five-card draw or seven-card stud game. All usual rules of what-beats-what apply. However, better than any standard hand (even, yes, a royal flush) are the following, in order of value: the .38 (a 3 and an 8), .45 (4 and a 5), .22, .44, .357, and, finally, the AK-47 (Ace, King, 4 and 7.) Any two guns will beat any other single gun, with the exception of the AK-47, which can be beaten only by a player who has both a gun (of any kind) and a knife (represented by the Suicidal King.) Why? Hell if I know, but it's bad-action-movie canon, so there ya go.

posted by whitey at 02:43 PM

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