April 22, 2003

Oh, the Peepery!, Part 2

2) PEEPS GONE WILD

At this point, sickened by the horrific results of our previous experiment, one member of the research team attempted to release the remaining Peeps into the wild. Although quickly apprehended, he did manage to free a number of test subjects before being tackled and restrained by his co-workers.

The well-being of the Peeps was no doubt foremost in his mind, but the results were predictably tragic: having been raised in captivity, the Peeps had no idea how to survive in a natural environment. They did prove resilient enough to survive the initial two-story drop without injury, but we found nearly all of their lifeless bodies squashed in the road the following morning.

Fig. A: This Althaea gallus has been badly mangled, possibly by a passing vehicle or hungry predator. We were forced to put it out of its misery. Fig. B: The only subject to survive the night almost entirely unscathed, this A. oryctolagus somehow made it across the street to safety. Fig. C: It is impossible to tell what species this unfortunate Peep once belonged to; or, for that matter, what fate befell it. The prevailing theory is that it fell victim to hungry birds. Fig. D: These stomach-churning remains are all that is left of an A. gallus unfortunate enough to land squarely in the middle of a busy intersection. More than a dozen direct hits from moving vehicles have rendered it completely unrecognizable.

CONCLUSION: Although wild Peeps undoubtedly roamed the planet at some point, it is now heartbreakingly clear that the average, run-of-the-mill domestic Peep is no longer capable of surviving outside of captivity.

posted by whitey at 10:45 AM

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