April 21, 2003

Oh, the Peepery!, Part 1

The effects of various external stimuli on Marshmallow Peeps have been well documented over the years by numerous trail-blazing researchers. Thanks to their tireless efforts, we need no longer lie awake at night wondering what might happen should one of these sugary little monsters be inadvertently exposed to boiling water, radiation or bricks.

As with any field of scientific inquiry, however, there is always more research waiting to be done.

1) EFFECTS OF EXTREME G-FORCES ON THE COMMON MARSHMALLOW PEEP (ALTHAEA ORYCTOLAGUS)

Over the last few decades, a great deal of the American space program's budget has been spent blasting various other species into orbit, typically without much of a practical justification. Dogs can't do a whole hell of a lot in space, unless you count "dying". Ants recently one-upped the dog community by taking the whole "dying" thing to an entirely new level. And while chimps in space are a guaranteed source of amusement for the guys back at Mission Control, we now know that they represent a serious threat to humanity at large.

Peeps, on the other hand, would seem to be a perfect choice. Their boneless bodies and ability to survive without oxygen, coupled with their apparent lack of any motivation or ability to enslave humanity, makes them ideal candidates for space travel. But can they survive the harsh conditions of liftoff and re-entry? Using a state-of-the-art (assuming it's 1970) medical centrifuge, we attempted to find out.

Fig. A: The subject Peep is fitted with restraining gear prior to launch. Fig. B: Secured, the Peep is inserted headfirst into one of the centrifuge's containment cells. Fig. C: The speed of the centrifuge, and the resulting relative gravity, is gradually increased. Fig. D: Moments after achieving maximum velocity, the Peep's head is cleanly sucked off its shoulders, its body pulled violently after it and flattened against the inner wall of the centrifuge. Resuscitation attempts were unsuccessful.

CONCLUSION: Sadly, it seems that Peeps are not as well suited for space travel as they appear. Despite their ability to survive in a sub-zero vacuum and lack of internal organs, their distressingly low body integrity makes them really, really easy to pull apart.

posted by whitey at 11:43 AM

Comments

Posted by: Jamison at June 29, 2007 07:22 PM