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May 28, 2003

Insensitivity Poker, Part 4

cards.gif Yeee-haw! Get out the pitchfork, Pa, 'cause it's poking time again!

1) STRIP CLUB. Standard seven-card stud. Eights are wild, for reasons that will become clear if you tilt one about 90 degrees, and should a Queen land face-up in any player's hand, he must throw another four chips into the pot. Should a Jack land in any player's hand, however, he is assumed to have wandered into that other strip club across the street for a little "experimentation". He must throw in four chips for that and all subsequent Jacks; and for him, eights are no longer wild, replaced by sevens. Lastly, any player running afoul of the Black King has been "bounced" and is out of the game.

2) CONSERVATIVE CORRUPTION. Standard seven-card stud, and if you're sensing a trend here, you're not wrong. Fours are wild. After the first six cards are dealt, the player with the best hand showing is crowned the Corporate CEO and the player with the worst hand showing is declared the Bible Thumper. Before the seventh and last card is dealt, each does what he does best: the Corporate CEO "steals" two cards of his choice from any player at the table, swapping them for two from his own hand, and the Bible Thumper "exerts influence" by a) declaring one additional card to be wild or b) declaring fours to no longer be wild.

3) WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. Vaguely similar to five-card draw, except for the part where there's no standard draw and the part where all clubs are wild. After five cards have been dealt to each player and opening bets have been placed, each player initiates "inspections" by drawing two cards from the hand of the player to his immediate left and, without looking at them, placing them face-down on the table. Once all players have been "inspected", each player may look at the cards he drew. If either card is a club, the player may declare that weapons of mass destruction have been found in the country of the player who originally held those cards, forcing him out of the game; or, keeping in mind that clubs are wild, he may keep them for himself. Any player who forces another out of the game must surrender both cards he drew from the other player and draw two more from the deck; additionally, for him, clubs are no longer wild. When inspections conclude, surviving players engage in a final round of betting before the hand is called.

4) MURDER-SUICIDE. Much like an actual murder-suicide, this is a good game to save until the end of the night, since it has the potential to last fucking forever. Note also that it requires an even number of players to work as described, although the rules could probably be tweaked to do it some other way. Anyway. Standard seven-card stud, with wilds (if any) determined by the dealer. As per the rules for "NRA", 3s and 8s represent the .38 handgun; any player who is dealt either a 3 or an 8 face-up must immediately "kill" the player across the table from him before turning the gun on himself, forcing them both out of the game. If and when all players are killed, cards are re-dealt and the game starts over again, pot intact.

OPTIONAL VARIANT: Replace 3s and 8s with all red face cards to play "Jonestown."

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Posted by: Cedric at June 29, 2007 07:20 PM

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