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June 19, 2003

Insensitivity Poker, Part 5


cards.gif Hey, it's Thursday, and you know what that means! Right! Not a goddamn thing, unless it's today, in which case it means more poker variants!

1) ABORTION. Seven-card stud. Like pretty much all these games. After each round of face-up cards is dealt, prior to betting, any player who was dealt a card numbered 2 through 9 may choose to "abort" it for a small fee, depending on the card's trimester: 2s-3s cost one chip, 4s-6s cost two chips, and 7s-9s cost three chips. An "aborted" card is discarded, and the player draws a new card from the deck to replace it. Any player dealt a face card from the Hearts suit, representing a pro-life lobbyist, may counter one abortion attempt occurring that round by paying the same fee as the aborting player. (Note that, should this happen, the aborting player's fee is not refunded.) Queens, representing single mothers, are wild, but only if played in a final hand containing no Kings. Finally, any player who a) successfully aborts all four face-up cards, and b) does not fold, receives a small stipend from stem-cell research and may take twelve chips from the pot before it is handed over to the winner.

2) GIRLS GONE WILD. Seven-card stud again, with the usual slight modification: this time, three cards are dealt face-down, followed by three face-up and a final face-down. Queens and 8s are wild, as in Strip Club; however, if any player receives a 2 among his face-up cards, indicating last call, any Queens in his possession cease to be wild. Finally, all Diamonds represent beads; any player receiving a Diamond among his face-ups can use it to coerce another player to show one previously hidden card to everyone at the table. Whoooo! Show 'em, baby!

3) BELTWAY SNIPER. Oh, it's not topical anymore? Well, we weren't playing poker last fall, so the hell with you. Anyway. Standard seven-card stud, with two cards dealt face-down, four up, and the last one down. Twos and threes, representing the .223 rifle used by the snipers, are wild. After six cards have been dealt, however, the dealer lays out one more card face-up on the table, plus one additional one for each black Jack (John Allan Muhammad) or black 10 (Lee Boyd Malvo) that has been dealt face-up over the course of the game. Any face-up cards in any player's hand that match one of these cards ... say, 2s, or Aces ... have been randomly shot and are discarded. Black Kings, representing Police Chief Charles Moose, cannot be shot; additionally, any player showing one of them may, if he so chooses, prevent one shooting. After the shootings, a seventh card is dealt face-down and players assemble a five-card final hand, as usual.

4) BREAKFAST WITH SATAN. The rare game that isn't some variation on seven-card stud, this one's your basic garden-variety five-card draw, except that the best possible hand is three sixes. Sevens are wild; however, sevens cannot substitute for sixes under any circumstances, and any player holding three sevens at the end of the game automatically loses. Finally, the winner, in addition to claiming the pot, eventually goes on to burn in hell for all eternity, subject to dealer approval.

posted by whitey at 02:35 PM

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