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August 22, 2003

Moore Bitter Blues

What's that, boy? God is in trouble? Oh no! God is being "threatened" and "forsaken", and he's so upset that he can't be bothered to get off his ass and do anything about it himself? Well, call in the fundamentalist Christian answer to the lifeless, jobless dregs who spent weeks in line waiting for the new Star Wars movies to come out! Hooray! Go team go!

Yes, that's right! It's time for more of the continuing adventures of Chief Justice Roy Moore and his three-ton lack of familiarity with the concept of "separation of church and state"! Presumably having been tipped off that he probably wasn't helping his case with public displays of his baffling ignorance of the Constitution, Moore's latest tactic has been to drop his "removing my Ten Commandments statue somehow invalidates our legal system" argument in favor of a marginally more defensible "you are denying me my Constitutional right to acknowledge God" platform.

Roy, can we talk? Okay. Roy, nobody is trying to deny you your Consitutional right to acknowledge God. You can acknowledge him on your own time as much as you damn well please, and I really couldn't care less. Shall we use a counter-example? Suppose, Roy, that one of your fellow Chief Justices really, really likes his Japanese tentacle porn. Under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, he is well within his rights to freely enjoy all the hard-core alien-penetration action he can download. And yet, were he to erect a 5,300-pound statue of a doe-eyed teenage girl with fox ears being rectally violated by the missing link between Ron Jeremy and Cthulhu, might you complain? Might you say, hey, listen, I'm all for appreciating art or whatever the hell this is, but maybe you could appreciate it in your living room at home instead of here in the hallowed halls of the American judicial system? Might you? Yes, Roy, I'm thinking you might.

And you know what? I doubt you'd meet with a whole lot of opposition on that, even though that decision wouldn't even be explicitly backed up by the Constitution ... not like, say, the decision to remove your gigantic replica of the Ten Commandments. This isn't an issue of someone's feelings being hurt or someone being offended, Roy; your statue is being removed because it violates one of the basic concepts upon which our country's system of government was founded.

Do you understand yet? You don't? Well, I was kind of expecting that, Roy, so it just so happens that I've come up with a solution that I think ought to please everyone.

It's remarkably simple. All you have to do, Roy, is go out and find yourself a new job without any government affiliation, ideally one that fits your encyclopedic understanding of the law ... like, oh, I don't know, pumping gas ... and decorate your new workplace with as many giant stone Commandments and gore-spattered Crucifixion scenes as your little heart desires. Bingo! Problem solved!

And all the rest of us have to do is sit back and never hear from you again! See? It's win-win!

posted by whitey at 03:06 PM


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