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November 07, 2003

Why Polling Doesn't Work, Part 3

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What? I ... huh? Look, can't we just we go back to the questions about whether we should give the liberal Democrats more funding to kill babies, undermine Christian values, and turn our children gay? I'm voting Republican because I like easy answers, remember?

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Hmm. On the one hand, that sounds like just the kind of needless expenditure we're trying to avoid. But on the other hand, it would be nice to have an alternative to meeting my housekeeper in the Denny's parking lot with a cigar box full of cash.

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Depends. By "foreign oil", do you mean the stuff we get from our good buddies in Saudi Arabia, or the stuff we'll be taking as part of our fee for liberating Iraq? Ha ha, who am I kidding? Either way, we all know it's impossible to be too dependent on any kind of oil!

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Hey, yeah, whatever happened to that plan? It's sure a good thing somebody remembered it in time for the big 2004 campaign push. Of course, would the President really have mentioned it in his State of the Union address if it was a crock of shit? C'mon.

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Well, you've got to admit: it sure beats the hell out of that initiative to promote the endangerment and vulnerability of all Americans that the liberal Democrats have been so enthusiastic about.

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Oh, I guess so. But only if we get to be at least partially responsible for their needing humanitarian aid in the first place. That seems fair, right?

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As a compassionate conversative, I feel strongly that all Americans ... indeed, everyone in the world ... should have easy, affordable access to quality healthcare. Just as long as a) it won't cost me a nickel, and b) I am solely responsible for deciding what kind of medical procedures are permitted.

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Good Lord, no! First of all, numerous studies have indicated a strong link between literacy and liberal Democratism. And secondly, the two greatest U.S. Presidents of the latter 20th century could each barely read above a fourth-grade level. If America is to prosper, we need less education, not more.

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Why, yes to all three, of course! Especially #23, since should either of the preceding initiatives fail, we'll need those firearms to protect our families from the inevitable marauding hordes of soulless simulacra and horrific mutant fetuses thirsting for unspeakable revenge against the Godless secular dystopia that spawned them!

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You know, Mr. Frist, I really didn't want to say anything ... but are you sure the United States Senate Majority really qualifies as a "grassroots" organization? I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd think you had no idea what the term "grassroots" actually meant. Well, that, or that some liberal Democrat had made off with your glossary of best-loved political buzzwords.

posted by whitey at 10:21 AM

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