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August 02, 2007

Take a Journey

"You'll wanna take the highway to the Self Mockery Trail exit, make a hard right, and well, after that you're on your own."


September 30, 2005

See Also: Canaanites, Perizzites, Moabites

The Times of London has confirmed what the Jews, God's Chosen People, have no doubt suspected for some time: societies tend to be worse off when they have God on their side. [cached]

posted by whitey at 03:57 PM | Comments (1)

May 02, 2005

Batrachian Big Bang Update!

The editors would like to apologize for miscategorizing the previous entry under "Science" rather than "Blasphemy".

"...Nor till thou hast completed thy long term
Shalt thou come back into the light; and then
The hound of Zeus, the tawny eagle,
Shall violently fall upon thy flesh
And rend it as 'twere rags; and every day
And all day long shall thine unbidden guest
Sit at thy table, feasting on thy liver

Till he hath gnawn it black. Look for no term
To such an agony till there stand forth
Among the Gods one who shall take upon him
Thy sufferings and consent to enter hell
Far from the light of Sun, yea, the deep pit
And mirk of Tartarus, for thee. Be advised;
This is not stuffed speech framed to frighten the
But woeful truth. For Zeus knows not to lie" [Prometheus Bound by Aeschylus]

April 25, 2005

Nocturnal explosions

In case the delicious beer and sausage weren't reason enough to plan your trip to Germany, maybe the unique wildlife will convince you.

"I have never seen such a thing," said veterinarian Otto Horst. So bad has the death toll been that the lake in the Altona district of Hamburg has been dubbed "the pond of death."

Access to it has been sealed off and every night a biologist visits it between 2:00 and 3:00 am, which appears to be peak time for batrachians to go bang."

April 20, 2005

"scientifically jejune and theologically incompetent"

... says the intelligent design community about Mr Keats' brilliant experiments to determine the appropriate phylogentic categorization of the Supreme Being. From Wired:

..."Recognizing that God probably is unique enough, genetically speaking, to warrant a category of his own, Keats added a fourth domain to the existing Archaea, Bacteria and Eucarya, dubbed Divinea. It includes Pagan and Hindu gods, as well as Diveneus deus, Keats' scientific moniker for the monotheistic God known as Jehovah, Yahweh or Allah."

April 19, 2005

This is in no way relevant to the previous post

VATICAN CITY - Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, a hard-line guardian of conservative doctrine, was elected the new pope Tuesday evening in the first conclave of the new millennium. He chose the name Pope Benedict XVI and called himself "a simple, humble worker."

Yes ... a simple, humble worker who bears a vague resemblance to Gollum.

April 12, 2005

Silence never sounded so good.

Wednesday, April 13th is the Day of Silence.

From their website:

The Day of Silence, a project of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) in collaboration with the United States Student Association (USSA), is a student-led day of action where those who support making anti-LGBT bias unacceptable in schools take a day-long vow of silence to recognize and protest the discrimination and harassment -- in effect, the silencing -- experienced by LGBT students and their allies.

Rock on, silently.

January 20, 2005

A Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please bless us on this Inauguration Day of the Second Holy Republican Empire. Give us the strength to eat apple pie in one hand while we crush those who do not hold our beliefs with the other. We pray that we will grow rich and fat off of the spoils of our holy war for the freedom of oil across the world, wherever it may take us. Smite those who are different from us so that they may not ruin the taste of our pie, and grant us clarity and strength so that we may totally and completely remake the world in our vision. We pray for our nation, under God, with liberty and justice for us.

We do this in our (and, of course, your) name.


July 28, 2004

Sanctity of the Flesh

How better to honor the Lord than combining gambling in the temple on the Sabbath with the delicious flesh of cloven-footed animals?


January 29, 2004

I Have Seen the Light

I would be 'hard-pressed' to find a better way to celebrate the Festival of Lights. It's what I would call humbling myself before G_d.

November 12, 2003

Irony, why hath thou forsaken me?

In Conquering the Wrath of Rage, Bibleman engages in excitingly decapitatory light saber battles. "Teaching convincingly that violence is never a solution and that anger can be dealt with in a Godly way, this action-packed episode brings a vital, relevant and timely message to the segment of our population in most desperate need of the gospel, our kids."

October 28, 2003

Career Milestones

Sometimes a change of profession would seem to be the correct decision - fame and fortune be damned.

"Actor Jim Caviezel has been struck by lightning [twice!] while playing Jesus in Mel Gibson's controversial film The Passion Of Christ."

October 17, 2003

Divine Inspiration

It's hard to imagine why church attendance keeps declining and citizens turn away from the peace, fulfillment, and solace offered by the Trinity.


Perhaps if the inspirational messages were, well, inspirational things might improve.

September 02, 2003

The Greatest Stories Ever Illustrated

Looking for an appropriate activity for the young children in your church's Sunday youth group? What could be more wholesome than illustrating some of the best-loved stories in the Bible with a cast of endearing Lego people? Why, nothing, provided you remember to steer clear of all the passages concerning murder, incest, nudity, child-killing, bestiality, genocide, capital punishment, masturbation and forcible anal rape.

posted by whitey at 10:33 AM | Comments (0)

August 22, 2003

Moore Bitter Blues

What's that, boy? God is in trouble? Oh no! God is being "threatened" and "forsaken", and he's so upset that he can't be bothered to get off his ass and do anything about it himself? Well, call in the fundamentalist Christian answer to the lifeless, jobless dregs who spent weeks in line waiting for the new Star Wars movies to come out! Hooray! Go team go!

Yes, that's right! It's time for more of the continuing adventures of Chief Justice Roy Moore and his three-ton lack of familiarity with the concept of "separation of church and state"! Presumably having been tipped off that he probably wasn't helping his case with public displays of his baffling ignorance of the Constitution, Moore's latest tactic has been to drop his "removing my Ten Commandments statue somehow invalidates our legal system" argument in favor of a marginally more defensible "you are denying me my Constitutional right to acknowledge God" platform.

Roy, can we talk? Okay. Roy, nobody is trying to deny you your Consitutional right to acknowledge God. You can acknowledge him on your own time as much as you damn well please, and I really couldn't care less. Shall we use a counter-example? Suppose, Roy, that one of your fellow Chief Justices really, really likes his Japanese tentacle porn. Under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, he is well within his rights to freely enjoy all the hard-core alien-penetration action he can download. And yet, were he to erect a 5,300-pound statue of a doe-eyed teenage girl with fox ears being rectally violated by the missing link between Ron Jeremy and Cthulhu, might you complain? Might you say, hey, listen, I'm all for appreciating art or whatever the hell this is, but maybe you could appreciate it in your living room at home instead of here in the hallowed halls of the American judicial system? Might you? Yes, Roy, I'm thinking you might.

And you know what? I doubt you'd meet with a whole lot of opposition on that, even though that decision wouldn't even be explicitly backed up by the Constitution ... not like, say, the decision to remove your gigantic replica of the Ten Commandments. This isn't an issue of someone's feelings being hurt or someone being offended, Roy; your statue is being removed because it violates one of the basic concepts upon which our country's system of government was founded.

Do you understand yet? You don't? Well, I was kind of expecting that, Roy, so it just so happens that I've come up with a solution that I think ought to please everyone.

It's remarkably simple. All you have to do, Roy, is go out and find yourself a new job without any government affiliation, ideally one that fits your encyclopedic understanding of the law ... like, oh, I don't know, pumping gas ... and decorate your new workplace with as many giant stone Commandments and gore-spattered Crucifixion scenes as your little heart desires. Bingo! Problem solved!

And all the rest of us have to do is sit back and never hear from you again! See? It's win-win!

posted by whitey at 03:06 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2003

Roy Moore and the Case of the Missing Deity

Aug. 20, 2003 | MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) -- Chief Justice Roy Moore asked the U.S. Supreme Court to block the removal of a Ten Commandments monument from the state judicial building Wednesday as supporters held a candlelight vigil to begin a round-the-clock protest.

"This case is not about a monument, it's not about politics or religion, it's about the acknowledgment of God," [Moore] said during an interview on CBS' "The Early Show."

"We must acknowledge God because our constitution says our justice system is established upon God. For (the judge) to say 'I can't say who God is' is to disestablish the justice system of this state." [link]

Wow! Our constitution says that our justice system is established upon God? Really? I mean, that's news to me, but I'm sure a Chief Justice wouldn't go around making statements like that if he didn't know them to be true, right? I mean, he's a Chief Justice! He must know what he's talking about! Especially in matters of federal and state law!

Oh, you don't think so? Okay, we'll check the relevant documents. Let's see. We can probably be pretty safe in assuming that "our constitution" refers to either the U.S. Constitution or the Alabama State Constitution. We'll start with the U.S. Constitution. I'm sure God will be all over this thing.

What the hell? No hits? Okay, we'll try Jesus. Nope. Christ. Zip. Yhwh. Nothing. Religion. Wait, here's one! "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." You know what, screw this. It's obvious that www.house.gov doesn't know jack shit about U.S. law. Let's try the Alabama state constitution.

Well, here's a hit for religion: "No religion shall be established by law; no preference shall be given by law to any religious sect, society, denomination, or mode of worship; no one shall be compelled by law to attend any place of worship; nor to pay any tithes, taxes, or other rate for building or repairing any place of worship, or for maintaining any minister or ministry; no religious test shall be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under this state; and the civil rights, privileges, and capacities of any citizen shall not be in any manner affected by his religious principles." Gee, that almost seems to contradict the statement made by Chief Justice Moore. That can't be right. Let's look for God.

Ah, here's God! Sort of! And ... wait ... here he is again! "We, the people of the State of Alabama, in order to establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution and form of government for the State of Alabama." And there you have it! I mean, yeah, it's just the Preamble, not anything actually related to the justice system or to any laws, but those are the only two references to God in the whole document, so it must be what Moore was referring to.

I mean, either that or he had no idea what he was talking about. Or he was just making shit up. And that's ridiculous. I mean, if the guy knows his Bible at least as well as he knows the Constitution(s), he's gotta be familiar with Exodus 23:1. Right? C'mon.

posted by whitey at 12:17 PM | Comments (3)

August 12, 2003

Jesus hates those f#*@in' dolphins.

Some people might think welcoming homosexuals into the church is just a touch too secularly inclusive -- but I think we can all agree that electing a Zeta Reticulan bishop would cross the line for pretty much all Christians.

"Jesus Christ is called the KINSMAN REDEEMER. Jesus did not come to save the apes & dolphins, He did not come to save the puppies & kitties, and He certainly did not come to save the Zeta Reticulans or the Alien Grays. The atonement work of Jesus was only to save His kinsman, the sons of Adam." [link]

Update: I knew Wisconsin couldn't stay out of this for long.

July 31, 2003

Also, it's Don't Kill the Innocent

"Christoph Luxenberg", a German expert in Middle Eastern languages, claims to have uncovered one of the more tragically hilarious mistranslations of a religious text since the one featured in that old joke. It's a shame the inevitable fatwa will probably result in his being killed or driven into hiding before he can apply his skills to other popular works of literature.

posted by whitey at 03:15 PM | Comments (0)

July 02, 2003

He will sit as a refreshment and purifier of silver

JOHN 2:13-25 [NRSV]
Jesus Clears the Temple

2.13 The Passover of the Jews was near, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 14 In the temple he found people selling cattle, sheep, and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. 15 Making a whip of cords, he drove all of them out of the temple, both the sheep and the cattle. He also poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. 16 He told those who were selling the doves, "Take these things out of here! Stop making my Father's house a marketplace!" 17 His disciples remembered that it was written, "Zeal for your house will consume me." 18 The Jews then said to him, "What sign can you show us for doing this?" 19 Jesus answered them, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up." 20 The Jews then said, "This temple has been under construction for forty-six years, and will you raise it up in three days?" 21 But he was speaking of the temple of his body. 22 After he was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this; and they believed the scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken.


Funny, I had always interpreted "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up" differently.

July 01, 2003

At Long Last

Thanks to NASA and the magic of the Hubble Space Telescope, we have finally discovered what can only be God's final message to His Creation:


Unsurprisingly, however, those disappointingly blinkered atheist astronomers at NASA have completely misinterpreted the image.

posted by nick at 06:30 AM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2003



May 29, 2003

Putting the "Action" in "Childcare Action Project"

Every now and then, it's comforting to stumble across evidence indicating that even those on God's team are not exempt from his boundless appetite for irony.

posted by whitey at 03:10 PM | Comments (2)

May 27, 2003

Walk on water, indeed.

Jesus Sandals

Sadly, photo not one of ours. Credit: AP via Yahoo News.

May 07, 2003

God Is Nowhere. Zoltan Is The Way.

Zoltan is a jealous god. Thou shalt have no other gods before Zoltan. Thou shalt make no graven images, unless they be of Zoltan. Thou shalt keep holy the hours of 8 to 10 PM on the Sabbath day, at the very least, and devote them to revelation in the glory of Zoltan.

And rejoice, as the teachings of mighty Zoltan are strewn upon the Web like Commandments from Sinai. Amen.

posted by whitey at 11:57 AM | Comments (0)

April 16, 2003

Self-Serve For Everyone Else


I can only assume this buffet has a special "burnt offerings" section.

posted by whitey at 06:26 PM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2003

Shop 'til you drop.

Products of the Apocalypse: "specializing in Biblical Plague Snowdomes and other spiritual disasters."


I want one.

April 10, 2003

In the Navy...

In the Navy ... you can rise up from the sea!
In the Navy ... you can utter blasphemy!
In the Navy ... come on and join your fellow man!
In the Navy, c'mon, receive that mark on your right hand!


In the Navy! ... In the Navy!

posted by whitey at 03:56 PM | Comments (0)

April 09, 2003

Shopping Frenzy

Tired of paying full price for the Word of God? Fortunately for you, there's finally a place to stock up on dogma at prices that won't hurt your beer budget.

Bible Factory Outlet Store

March 25, 2003

Cruising with Christ

Best pickup/gettin'-it-on lines for Jesus, as decided late last night:
  1. "You know, I'm hung like _this_."
  2. "Lo, I have risen!"
  3. "Wanna see My piece of the True Cross?"
  4. "Prepare for the Second Coming."
  5. "This is My flesh. Eat of it."
  6. "I promise, baby, it'll turn into blood after you swallow it."

posted by whitey at 02:07 PM | Comments (1)

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