March 14, 2005

New Holiday

Best. Holiday. Ever.

And I mean Ever.

March 14th is Steak and BJ Day.

Note to self: The holiday is probably more meaningful (and enjoyable!) if you are actually in a relationship. You, the shiny reader, may be asking yourself what I did on this wonderful holiday... Well, I did what any single American man would do on such a day: drank beer and ate fried chicken.

December 28, 2004

Methane-free zone

So, then what happens to all of that methane, huh? Don't worry. Someone's got a plan.

December 23, 2004

Shiny Crap's Last Minute Gift Guide

Still not done with your holiday shopping? Why not give your trigger-happy loved ones the present that cheerfully combines firearm technology with the carnivorous glee of consuming a pound of delicious preserved meat?

October 12, 2004

Meat News

Any traffic jam article Reuters tags with "pig.innards" in the URL is just begging to be mocked.

"The container was covered only by a tarp, which did not prevent the viscera from sloshing into the crossroads, police said."

July 28, 2004

Sanctity of the Flesh

How better to honor the Lord than combining gambling in the temple on the Sabbath with the delicious flesh of cloven-footed animals?

July 13, 2004

Monster Brat

Campbellsport, WI is broke the world record for "Longest Bratwurst" last weekend. $10 got you a commemorative t-shirt and a serving of the record-setting taste sensation.

The local coverage was in on all the action:

"'You want to keep it straight so it cooks up right. We use natural casings, and you don’t want the casing to split,' Greg said. 'We just may have to call on Tim (Perron of Perron Trucking) to haul it on a flatbed (semitrailer).' He says he would feel more comfortable if he could make sure the brat and bun get a police escort from Chief Randy Karoses."

Check out the custom 50-foot charcoal grill:

February 25, 2004

Really, don't eat the tempura dogs

Restaurant reviews, waitstaff and fellow diners alike can all be a great source of information with regards to which menu items at any given eatery are most deserving of our gustatory attentions. However, there's no denying that at some places, it's even more helpful to know what not to order.

Fortunately, in trying times such as these, we can always turn to that most underappreciated of public forums: the restroom wall.

Not convinced? Fortunately, the thoughtful reviewer has included a helpful artist's rendering of the dire consequences you can expect if you fail to heed this warning.

February 21, 2004

Only $1.19!

"Made with pork, ham, and loins."

February 08, 2004

Truth in Advertising

This still doesn't explain the neon espresso sign, but I'm all for the biscuits and chicken.

October 29, 2003

Need More Meat

Could there possibly be a better place to get it? I think not.

October 27, 2003

Potted Meat Museum

New from the Epicure label... and the Potted Meat Museum.

August 26, 2003

Pirate Fun!

Ever wonder what pirates used to do for fun in their world? They keep monks in cages and ride them like ponies.

Apparently, they would also force people to get drunk, which, well, just doesn't seem that terrible a punishment.

While I'm at it, also note that the 'meat category' is covered by pirate gleefully feeding a prisoner a human heart. The only thing 'beej' is missing is a good ol' fashioned monkey-pirate woodcut.

July 28, 2003

Mmmm. Pork chops.

1. All work and no pork makes Jack a dull boy.

How very true.

'Our Xena,' is it? Vercinix thought cynically. "Let us try instead for the boar this day, Prince of the Scordisci. I've a craving for pork and no wish to test my skills against those of the Conqueror."

June 28, 2003

The 0ct0d0g Rulez!

I can't wait to throw a lavish Jules Vern costume party for whoever brings one of these over to the house...

June 13, 2003

A Breath of Fresh Meat

"This unlikely Bacon Air Freshener is the perfect way to brighten any carnivore's day."




"Put one up in the family room and everyone will have a sudden craving for a BLT." The only trouble with that is the notion of a "sudden" craving for a BLT. Aren't BLT cravings constant? Maybe they meant that the ordinary background desire will suddenly become overwhelming...

June 11, 2003

Soylent McGreen (or, To Serve Man)

"We're not just a hamburger company serving people..." is not the 'promise' I was hoping for from my fast food vendor.

This should teach me an important lesson about innocently accessing a corporate website in an attempt to determine if the locally advertised breakfast treats actually come with both the advertised syrup flavor and logo baked in (with syrup flavor baked in? what strange food science chicanery is this? why do I want syrup flavor on my bacon and cheese? baffling.)

May 18, 2003

Meat Science

These brave souls have finally put science, or at least math and a scale, to work answering the important question:

"How much is inside bacon bits?"

"12 slices is 63% of the pound of bacon, and since the package of bacon bits was only $1.89, you'd have to find raw bacon selling for $2.99 a pound to justify frying and Cuisinarting your own bacon bits"

I love them now.

Amazingly, Oscar Meyer apparently also has a theme park and a mulitcultural center (which as far as I can tell means "look! we photographed black kids, too!") in addition to bacon-on-the-go travel packs.

Nothing in this charming 'Wienerwhistle' description ("Wet your WIENERWHISTLE") makes it sound any less innocent than the name.

"...The WIENERWHISTLE is a "full-blown" musical instrument that plays a special tune in four notes. As one of our original ads explains, the WIENERWHISTLE has four holes:

• A hole to blow into
• A hole on the side
• A hole on the far end
• A hole on the top

"That's about twice as many as most whistles! And by covering the holes in a special way, you can play a bunch of different sounds."

I'll bet you can.

May 14, 2003

Chopped Liver

Is there any better sales gimmick than a hilarious organ transplant joke?

Unlikely.

April 25, 2003

PETA vs. the Literal Bible Team

While John 21 seems pretty clear on the idea of Jesus consuming the delicious flesh of once living animals, grilled to succulent perfection over an open fire, PETA, insolent heathens that they be, seem to doubt the literal truth of the Word of God:

Credit: Sean

And I'm quite sure that the religiously conservative Republican voters wouldn't approve of their elected officials hanging with "the Playmates in action at the Congressional Hot Dog Hoe-Down!"

Of course, they would also like you to make their "serious point" by wearing this "Say No to Pig Germs" multilingual mask:

April 04, 2003

The Other White Breed

What's that cruising down the interstates of the midwest? Pork? No, man... it's --

Genetiporc.

Better pigs. Better pork. Better profits.

Let's face it, they are the only swine genetic company "who is involved in every level of the pork chain."

The perfect balance between lean yield and growth -- that's the Genetiporc ADVANTAGE™.

March 30, 2003

Give You My Heart...

Whose date wouldn't be charmed by this perfectly charred steak at a candlelight dinner? The implied threat doesn't hurt either.