Dipsophilia Gumby Meat Blasphemy Wisconsin Gambling Piracy Monkeys Science Misanthropy Want Zoltan
drink when you see the robot

November 04, 2005

Lover of the Arts, Teenage Genious, Master Critic

Somebody needs to get Howard Tuttleman a book deal. Or, ideally, a job with Consumer Reports.

posted by whitey at 04:16 PM | Comments (1)

October 31, 2005

"My First Vat of Quicklime" Sold Separately


Strictly speaking, this isn't likely to be anyone's FIRST skeleton. I'm just sayin'.

posted by whitey at 12:44 AM | Comments (2)

June 09, 2005


Anthony conceded it "sounds stupid" that a man wielding what appeared to be a bloody chain saw could not be detained. But he added: "Our people don't have a crime lab up there. They can't look at a chain saw and decide if it's blood or rust or red paint."

The picture is by far the best part.

posted by whitey at 07:25 PM | Comments (0)

May 12, 2005

Coming Up Next On 'Sick Sad World."

I really, really hoped I'd never have to report on a David Cronenberg movie falling into the "life imitates art" category.

posted by whitey at 04:01 PM | Comments (5)

April 18, 2005

Happy International Misfortune Week!

If you're planning a vacation, a wedding, or any other activity of note where the potential exists for something to go horrifyingly awry, you might note that next few days will be marking the anniversaries of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, the Columbine massacre, the burning of the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the birth of Adolf Hitler.

posted by whitey at 02:34 PM | Comments (0)

November 06, 2004

Escape the USA

If you need to get away from 4 more years of hell, the fastest way out is to marry a Canadian.

November 03, 2004

Happy Election Day!


posted by whitey at 03:06 AM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2004

Educational Violence


"Life without Education is like a punch in the mouth."

March 18, 2004

More Headline Antics

Melee breaks out at retirement home salad bar

"In the buffet melee that followed, Allen Croft, 79, tried to grab Thoss, who bit him on the arm, reports said."

November 07, 2003

Why Polling Doesn't Work, Part 3


What? I ... huh? Look, can't we just we go back to the questions about whether we should give the liberal Democrats more funding to kill babies, undermine Christian values, and turn our children gay? I'm voting Republican because I like easy answers, remember?


Hmm. On the one hand, that sounds like just the kind of needless expenditure we're trying to avoid. But on the other hand, it would be nice to have an alternative to meeting my housekeeper in the Denny's parking lot with a cigar box full of cash.


Depends. By "foreign oil", do you mean the stuff we get from our good buddies in Saudi Arabia, or the stuff we'll be taking as part of our fee for liberating Iraq? Ha ha, who am I kidding? Either way, we all know it's impossible to be too dependent on any kind of oil!


Hey, yeah, whatever happened to that plan? It's sure a good thing somebody remembered it in time for the big 2004 campaign push. Of course, would the President really have mentioned it in his State of the Union address if it was a crock of shit? C'mon.


Well, you've got to admit: it sure beats the hell out of that initiative to promote the endangerment and vulnerability of all Americans that the liberal Democrats have been so enthusiastic about.


Oh, I guess so. But only if we get to be at least partially responsible for their needing humanitarian aid in the first place. That seems fair, right?


As a compassionate conversative, I feel strongly that all Americans ... indeed, everyone in the world ... should have easy, affordable access to quality healthcare. Just as long as a) it won't cost me a nickel, and b) I am solely responsible for deciding what kind of medical procedures are permitted.


Good Lord, no! First of all, numerous studies have indicated a strong link between literacy and liberal Democratism. And secondly, the two greatest U.S. Presidents of the latter 20th century could each barely read above a fourth-grade level. If America is to prosper, we need less education, not more.


Why, yes to all three, of course! Especially #23, since should either of the preceding initiatives fail, we'll need those firearms to protect our families from the inevitable marauding hordes of soulless simulacra and horrific mutant fetuses thirsting for unspeakable revenge against the Godless secular dystopia that spawned them!


You know, Mr. Frist, I really didn't want to say anything ... but are you sure the United States Senate Majority really qualifies as a "grassroots" organization? I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd think you had no idea what the term "grassroots" actually meant. Well, that, or that some liberal Democrat had made off with your glossary of best-loved political buzzwords.

posted by whitey at 10:21 AM | Comments (0)

November 05, 2003

Why Polling Doesn't Work, Part 2

Contrary to popular belief, there's more to being a good American than rallying around giant chunks of rock and harassing anyone who fails to show the proper respect to pieces of fabric sewn into a particular pattern. A lot more.

For one thing, there are surveys to fill out.


Wait, I'm confused. What's this "No" box for? Where was this survey printed? Vermont? San Francisco? France?


I've got a comment. What if I'm in favor of education, but opposed to AIDS? If I check "Very important" for both "Healthcare" and "Abortion", does that mean the Republican Party will do everything within its power to ensure that I get more of both?


Damn those liberal Democrats! They just want MORE OF MY HARD-EARNED MONEY to spend on their BIG GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS! I mean, I'm sure that's all there is to it, or the question would surely have been phrased differently! Those liberal Democrat bastards!


Balanced budget? Come on. Once we find those WMDs in Iraq, and the magical money-shitting pig which I understand has been guarding them, we'll have more than enough capital to cover the $87 billion we've already blown, balance the budget, and have enough left over to fully fund our next three pre-emptive wars!


Well, of course. That last round of tax cuts worked wonders for the economy, didn't it? And it's not like we've taken on any new expenses since then.


Yes, yes and yes! The last thing the nine million out-of-work Americans need now is to have their massive stock earnings double-taxed!


Well, I'm no expert ... I mean, I wasn't even aware that you could use the word "growing" in that context ... but unless I've been completely misinformed, cutting taxes is all but guaranteed to accomplish all four. Hooray for cutting taxes!

posted by whitey at 11:15 AM | Comments (0)

November 04, 2003

Why Polling Doesn't Work, Part 1

Whether it's by virtue of my relatively common name, my close personal relationship with Jesus Christ, or that gypsy I accidentally backed over a few years ago, I have a long history of being mistaken for other people through the mail. Occasionally, this will work to my advantage, such as when it landed me an employment opportunity I was otherwise entirely unqualified for. More often, it's just inexplicable, such as when I was recently invited to join both the AARP and the Johns Hopkins University Alumni Association.

This, however, was a first. Allow me to summarize:

"You have been selected to represent your local voting district in a Majority Leader's Survey ... Because it is cost-prohibitive to send a Survey to every registered Republican in the United States -- your answers will represent the views and opinions of ALL Republicans living in your voting district."

And wait, there's more!

"Your answers will help shape the core message of our 2004 Campaign Strategy to defend our Republican Senate Majority ... and while we appreciate those Democrats who have rallied around the President and his agenda in these challenging times, many other LIBERAL DEMOCRATS are more determined than ever to the retake the Senate [sic] and undermine President Bush's vision for a stronger, safer, more prosperous America.

"You see, the liberal Democrats don't agree with President Bush. They want BIGGER GOVERNMENT and HIGHER TAXES. They want MORE OF YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY to spend on their big government programs.

"Will you stand by me in this crucial effort?"

Oh, I will, Mr. Frist! I will!

posted by whitey at 05:50 AM | Comments (0)

October 22, 2003

Sample LSAT Questions

Just thought you all might like to see a sample from the LSAT, the mighty instrument which decides who is fit for law school and who is not. Who knows? Maybe you could be a lawyer!

Question #6

John: The current speed limit of 65 mph is unsafe. At such high speeds, drivers cannot stop their cars in time to avoid accidents. Clearly, the speed limit should be reduced.

Mary: God, will you shut the fuck up? You stupid, impotent little man, I can’t fucking believe you’re actually still whining about the fucking speed limit. “Oh, no, I’m dwiving too fast! I’m gonna wet my twousers! I want my mommy! Waaaaah!” Cheesedick.

Mary responds to John’s argument by:

a) pointing out that John’s argument is based on an assumption for which he has provided no support
b) implying that John’s mother is a prostitute
c) tearing John a new asshole in a fit of coke-induced rage
d) suggesting that the remedy John proposes may have undesirable consequences that would outweigh its benefits
e) showing John her boobs

Question #8

Theo: Every time I go out drinking, I lose all memory of what happened past 10:00 p.m. and I wake up with somebody’s bra hanging from my ceiling fan. Although I do not remember anything that happened past 10:00 p.m. last night, there is no bra hanging from my ceiling fan. Therefore, I spent last night in bed, asleep.

Theo’s reasoning is flawed because it:

a) mistakes a sufficient cause for a necessary cause
b) ignores the fact that everyone knows Theo is a goddamn drunk who’d shoot Nyquil if he was desperate enough
c) disallows the possibility that someone slipped him a mickey
d) makes an assumption which, if taken to its extreme, would result in the annihilation of all life on Earth
e) assumes that the huge, bristling thing he had in his mouth last night was a clitoris

Question #10

Engineer: Britney Spears is often seen singing and dancing at the same time during her concerts. But that is impossible. No human being can maintain the steady airstream needed to produce musical tone and shake her booty at the same time. Therefore, Britney Spears is clearly some kind of cyborg.

The engineer’s argument is based on the assumption that:

a) a cyborg would be capable of executing white-girl hip-hop moves and singing “Whoops, I Did It Again” at the same time
b) he will not be sued to a thin red paste by PepsiCo for even suggesting that Britney Spears is not human
c) that is, in fact, Britney Spears performing and not Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore or Jessica Simpson
d) the nuclear device implanted in Britney's left hip will detonate, killing every twelve-year-old girl within six miles, unless COBRA's demands are met within 24 hours
e) anyone reading this question gives a flying fuck about Britney Spears

The correct answers will be posted at this website on October 27th, 2010.

posted by n8 at 01:40 PM | Comments (1)

September 11, 2003

Happy Cleveland Indians Day!

It seems like something historically significant might have happened today, but I must have forgotten what.

Oh, if only someone had taken the time to tell me to remember.

posted by whitey at 02:51 PM | Comments (0)

July 29, 2003

Turn Global Tragedy Into Quick Cash!

"WASHINGTON, July 28 - The Pentagon office that proposed spying electronically on Americans to monitor potential terrorists has a new experiment. It is an online futures trading market, disclosed today by critics, in which anonymous speculators would bet on forecasting terrorist attacks, assassinations and coups.

Traders bullish on a biological attack on Israel or bearish on the chances of a North Korean missile strike would have the opportunity to bet on the likelihood of such events on a new Internet site established by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency."

No, I'm really not fucking kidding. What, the Total Information Awareness Act wasn't cartoonishly evil enough? [cached]

posted by whitey at 12:26 PM | Comments (1)

July 28, 2003

Profanity 50.335, Family Values 9.04

"A search of internet web sites suggests Fuck is a more commonly used word than mom, baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet ... [The defendant] is alleged to have spoken two different varietes of the root word Fuck. The following table depicts the number of internet search engine hits for [the defendant's] alleged 'Fucker' and 'Fucking' statements as compared to Fuck itself and other commonly heard words or phrases." [link]

posted by whitey at 03:12 PM | Comments (0)

July 18, 2003

Little Robots In Your Pants

While the content is distinctly less wonderful than the teaser headline would make you expect, this article is a fun read just because you get to laugh at Dockers' stupid science-y marketing foolishness. I mean, you feel bad for the customer support person and all, and they're not really to blame for their ignorance - sort of an unwitting pawn, I suppose. That is, you would feel bad, if we didn't have a handy Misanthropy category.

Little Robots In Your Pants - talk about your bait-and-switch.

posted by nick at 08:41 AM | Comments (1)

July 04, 2003

Happy 4th of July!

i·ro·ny (n.) - An expression or utterance marked by a striking contrast between apparent and intended meaning.

pre·cog·ni·tion (n.) - An eerie knowledge of something in advance of its occurrence, as if by extrasensory perception; clairvoyance.

posted by whitey at 02:05 PM | Comments (0)

June 13, 2003

That Pretzel Had Powerful Friends

The Zapruder film it ain't, but this play-by-play of George W. Bush falling off a scooter ... uh, "Segway Human Transporter" ... is certainly a hell of a lot more entertaining.

posted by whitey at 05:54 PM | Comments (0)

April 26, 2003

The Essence of Comedy

Normally, I'd take it as a bad omen if I walked into a comedy club and noted that their featured act of the month was a standup performance by Screech. Especially if his only two listed credits other than "Saved By the Bell" were appearances on "Celebrity Blind Date" and "Celebrity Boxing."

I couldn't have been more wrong. I learned an important lesson last night: while good stand-up comedy is funny (I assume, not having actually seen any), bad stand-up comedy is fucking hilarious.

It's a difficult phenomenon to describe. See, the pleasure in bad stand-up lies not in the jokes, but in the awkward pauses, the facial expressions, the "Is this thing on?" improvised quasi-humor that fills the long silence following a poorly received punch line. It's the pure joy in sitting anonymously in the darkness, and not being the guy on stage. Oh, man. I was laughing my ass off. And I meant it.

Here's a shining example. The fourth or fifth comedian of the night, a woman who looked and sounded freakishly like Amanda Plummer, walked up on stage without any prepared material and proceeded to launch into a series of monologues that ran along the lines of:

"So, I'm a single mom. Yeah. I'm raising two kids by myself, since my husband, who was an alcoholic, left us six months ago."

About halfway through this little soliloquy, the audience would be gearing up to laugh, assuming that a zinger of some sort was coming. But no. That was it. Then there'd be a long pause, in which someone would start to laugh and then trail off halfway through, or bust out with something halfway between a chuckle and a "huh?" And then there'd be more silence. And then I'd laugh. Man, that killed me.

Best of all, this woman's routine lasted for a good three or four times as long as anyone else's, since she seemed oblivious to the guy in the back frantically signaling with a flashlight to indicate that her time was up. Toward the end, she was bellowing at the top of her lungs into the microphone, not telling anything recognizable as a joke, but ranting incoherently about her job working a perfume counter at Nordstrom's and waxing Hulk-like about how we wouldn't want to get her angry.

The audience was paralyzed. Occasionally someone would chuckle nervously, and everyone else would stare straight ahead, their faces frozen in mirthless grins. We were like hostages in a bank robbery where the head gunman had suddenly removed his mask and started telling knock-knock jokes. Knock-knock jokes with mismatched answers. Comedy gold, I tell you.

Finally, the owner of the club himself went up on stage to escort her off; and away she went, bowing graciously and blowing kisses to the audience. Later, in the lobby, I saw her trying to get one of the other comedians to walk her to her car, as she didn't feel safe going outside at night by herself. Her car, as it turned out, was parked right across the street, about fifty feet away. I was sad to see her go. She was, far and away, the standout act of the night.

God. I haven't laughed that hard since Final Destination.

posted by whitey at 02:26 PM | Comments (0)

April 24, 2003

The Future Of America

Today is National Child Labor Day. I mean, Put Your Child To Work Day. No, wait, I've got it - Take Your Child To Work Day. I like the first two better, frankly. How are we gonna compete with the rest of the world when our workforce is so much older? Gotta streamline, envigorate, bring in some fresh blood.

Anyway, now the office is overrun with small people. But it seems the folks who thought it would be a good idea to show their kids what they do all day somehow failed to realize that five-year-olds get bored really fast. And watching Mommy or Daddy sit in the cubicle and stare at the screen is interesting for all of two minutes, and the company firewall blocks all the really interesting websites. Which means the kids are engaged for about two minutes longer than the parents, who gave up any hope of anything other than mind-fucking boredom decades ago.

So the parents have to make a choice: resign themselves to getting nothing done and annoying their neighbors for the course of the day, or dump Junior in the employee break room. Given the noises the new CEO is making about work ethic, and the way the stock price is going, and the current job market, it's a pretty easy choide. So now there's a bunch of juveniles monopolizing the foosball and pool tables. Which, I suppose, doesn't really matter, since those things are for show anyway. No one uses them for slacking, since anyone with a little determination figured out a while back how to get around the firewall issues. Hell, I only saw the kids in there while I was walking past on the way to buy a soda.

Enjoy your first taste of the working world, kids. Some day, you can be CEOs. All of you. Sure. No, really. Not a future ditch-digger among you. Stop trying to put the pool ball in your ear, Mikey.

posted by nick at 11:35 AM | Comments (4)

March 2008
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31          
Recent Misanthropy

Powered by
Movable Type 2.63