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February 09, 2004

Monkey Lovin'

Just in time for Valentine's day:

"She said: 'I gave him the choice: The monkey or me. He chose the monkey. It's incredibly painful to know that some baboon is more important to him than I am.'"

January 26, 2004


What's possibly better than a rodeo? One featuring a monkey that rides a dog. In chaps. With a hat. Did l mention the monkey?


October 24, 2003

Fun in Amsterdam


Once again, Europe got it right. They have indoor monkey-themed playgrounds. For the kids. And sufficently altered.

September 15, 2003

Don't Skip the "Related Stories"...

"I had to move out of the way otherwise he would pull on my hair. I can't even get into the bed anymore as he gets jealous." [link]

posted by whitey at 01:43 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2003

I'll spare you the obvious puns.

Around 2,000 baboon noses were found packed in an abandoned suitcase at Amsterdam airport when they started to stink, officials said Wednesday.

Thank you, Salon.

August 01, 2003

A Place for Mourning

A law-breaking gun freak, an ape chase, jumping the shark-ophagus, and me without ten grand.... sigh.


88. Funeral sarcophagus from Planet of the Apes. (TCF, 1968) Funeral sarcophagus or coffin set piece constructed of fiberglass painted to resemble wood, measuring 7 feet long. Used in the scene where Charlton Heston escapes from prison and runs through the city. Attempting to hide in a church during a funeral ceremony, Heston is promptly discovered by a young ape, and is forced to jump over this coffin to escape! $10,000 - $15,000

July 25, 2003

Koko Does COBOL

Are you having bad luck with temp agencies? Sick of wasting your time interviewing underqualified job applicants? Looking to staff your technology firm with well-trained, well-groomed professionals? Maybe you need the kind of quality talent that only an outfit like PPI, Inc. can provide.

June 20, 2003

Pay For Mojo

If you've been shopping around for a juicy tax-deductible way to dispose of some of your hard-earned cash ... and who hasn't? ... you really couldn't do much better than Helping Hands, a Boston outfit that trains capuchin monkeys to operate computers, answer phones, and refrain from eating their owners' medication.

posted by whitey at 02:11 PM | Comments (1)

One-Stop Shopping

Please, please tell me this is finally the store where "Toys for Guns" becomes a reality.

Gun and Pawn shop, with gorillas

May 09, 2003

Now's the winter of our ssssmmajjmlassmsslsaj

"OK, so the monkeys writing Shakespeare theory didn't work out...."

In addition to addressing the old Shakespeare/typewriter thing, this also provides more evidence regarding the earlier question as to whether English monkeys are polite.

"[T]he lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of [the computer]. Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard." Of course, the whole thing was supposed to be performance art, so maybe that's to be expected.

posted by nick at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)

May 02, 2003

Damn You, Kirk Douglas's Wife

"...When [Stella McCartney] was honored last month in Beverly Hills by Saks Fifth Avenue and Cedars-Sinai, she wanted to pick out the tablecloths for the gala. An insider tells us, however, that the organizers went ape when they saw her pattern, which featured monkeys fornicating with human skeletons, some of the monkeys holding guns to their heads.

'Maybe for the younger crowd this could have worked,' our insider muses. 'But the planning committee includes a lot of people from Hollywood's older generation, like Kirk Douglas's wife, Anne.' It was decided that McCartney’s pattern was inappropriate for a cancer benefit (not to mention that there's a war going on). Instead, the tables were covered in light pink and white." [link]

posted by whitey at 03:31 PM | Comments (0)

May 01, 2003

Monkey Versus Air Force

A bunch of monkeys get scared when the RAF buzzes the zoo - if you can call it "buzzing" at 1000 feet - and what happens? The pilots not only apologize, not only change where they practice, but adopt one of the whiny brats! "Terribly sorry" we scared your monkeys -- this is why we love the English. But it does force us to ask: are English monkeys as polite as English people? It seems unlikely; "high-tailed it to the trees" puts one more in mind of the French, which also fits previous hypotheses. But given the evident effect of primate behavior on air force activity, I wonder if things would have gone differently if Churchill had decided to play the monkey card during the Battle of Britain?

posted by nick at 06:59 AM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2003

Orangutans: The Intelligent Choice

WB Show to Offer Shot at $1B Prize

Details of the show are under discussion, executive producer Matti Leshem said Thursday. One proposal involves having a monkey put previously selected numbers in an order that must be matched for the $1 billion prize, he said.

"What could be more random than that?" Leshem said.

He's hoping to get a capuchin monkey to do the job. There was some controversy surrounding the idea, Leshem said, refusing to elaborate. There are also those promoting an orangutan as a better, more intelligent choice, he said. [link]

posted by whitey at 11:03 AM | Comments (0)

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