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drink when you see the robot

August 10, 2007

I just wanna be..


So I'll paint a chalet on my cow, I will. Because I am a proud resident on America's Little Switzerland.


August 07, 2007


"Specializing in Christmas and Lace"

Also, another fiberglass cow.


*Bring Your Own Arsenic

August 03, 2007

New Glarus Cow

How could take your town slogan, say, something like "America's Little Switzerland", and make it more Wisconsin-y?

The obvious answer, of course, is to convince every local business owner to buy a life sized fiberglass cow they can decorate to advertise.

This one, for example. Because it's, like, a Swiss town, with a Brown Swiss cow, and you know, they sell Swiss Army Knives. Get it? It is kinda subtle. Feel free to take some time to figure it out. We'll wait.


December 18, 2005

Mouse with Cheese

Stolen cheese
By June Goff Smith

You may call that grey mouse
Slightly dumb...
But he justly knows
Where his lunch comes from,
He is smart, and mighty quick
For he carries with him
A tiny stick....
He can trip that trap
In a very short time
Grab that cheese
And quickly run
So you can see that
Grey mouse not dumb.

God help us all if Wisconsin ever teams up the town of Ingersoll, Ontario (Canada). Which has a cheese poet laureate.

December 04, 2005

On the Seasons

Radical commentary is no reason to forget to enjoy the seasons.


September 23, 2005

"our town"

Sure, there oversized mice with cheese littering every street corner in Wisconsin. A diner with a cannabalistic chicken, on the other hand, really brings home the fiberglass horror anew.


September 17, 2005

The house repealed the laws of gravity...


Ahhh, the Wonder Spot. Do the laws of gravity no longer apply, or is it a shanty built slightly askew on a hill? Visit the Dells and find out. Don't forget to check out the "scientific essays" in the gift shop.

Recommended traveling music: The Mystery Spot Polka

April 25, 2005

At some point, we'll just stop keeping track...

Wisconsin strikes again.

posted by whitey at 06:41 PM | Comments (0)

July 24, 2004

I Don't Even Pretend To Know

Looking for the perfect keepsake of your trip to New Glarus, Wisconsin? Why not bring home a Holstein? In a Spacesuit. Planting the Texas state flag on the moon.


July 13, 2004

Monster Brat

Campbellsport, WI is broke the world record for "Longest Bratwurst" last weekend. $10 got you a commemorative t-shirt and a serving of the record-setting taste sensation.

The local coverage was in on all the action:

"'You want to keep it straight so it cooks up right. We use natural casings, and you don’t want the casing to split,' Greg said. 'We just may have to call on Tim (Perron of Perron Trucking) to haul it on a flatbed (semitrailer).' He says he would feel more comfortable if he could make sure the brat and bun get a police escort from Chief Randy Karoses."

Check out the custom 50-foot charcoal grill:


July 10, 2004

On Independence Day.

Gumby wishes you a meaningful Fourth of July.


September 24, 2003

Only Wisconsin's Pride and Joy ...

. . . could possibly be responsible for food crafts like this Autumn Cheese Wreath.


With such moving, inspirational suggestions, I'll certainly be Meltertaining soon. Oh yes.

August 28, 2003

"He's such a whistle ass!"

If you thought John Ashcroft's loss of a U.S. Senate seat to beloved corpse Mel Carnahan in 2000 was an isolated incident, think again. It's becoming increasingly apparent that large numbers of the dead have grown disgruntled with the policies of the Bush administration, most recently evidenced here.

I'm sure I don't need to point out which state the late Mrs. Baron called home.

posted by whitey at 02:44 PM | Comments (0)

June 13, 2003

House on the Rock, Part 2

Lizard planters. When I become an eccentric billionaire, I am so installing things like this all over the yard.

House on the Rock, driveway statuary planter

June 12, 2003

On September 12th.

Love each other beyond the darkness

June 09, 2003

Wisconsin vs. Monkeypox

"The state of Wisconsin has temporarily banned the sale of prairie dogs."

"The child's parents had bought two prairie dogs as a Mother's Day present for the child's mother. Both the mother and father subsequently became ill as well, although all appear to have recovered."

"The monkeypox virus causes symptoms that are very similar to smallpox -- fever, headache, cough and an extremely painful rash of pus-filled sores that spreads across the body."

What? You bought mom Prairie Dogs, a pair of rapidly reproducing, destructively tunneling, disease-infested rodents as a gift? Do you even like your mom?

May 15, 2003

"Wonders of Nature" Indeed.

Now "equipped with picnicing area and playground," and a prime destination for an "adventure traveling the beautiful and awe-inspiring State of Wisconsin", it's hardly a surprise that it's located near the "Cave of the Mounds."


May 06, 2003

On Cloning.


April 30, 2003

On Religious Fervor

Gumby understands the dangers of doublespeak, as many do not.

"I want to thank all the leaders, the generals, the soldiers in the armies of compassion..." is not exactly the reassuring phrase to be using right now.


April 28, 2003

Why Wisconsin? (Why, Wisconsin, Why?)

"Dig a bit in the history of this place. You'll find a ... steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate toward it that ... that you might not find elsewhere."

- Rupert Giles, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"

Wisconsin. America's Dairyland. Located smack in the center of the Midwest, sometimes dismissively referred to as "flyover country", it's the state second only to Iowa in its reputation for wholesome, corn-fed blandness. And someday, after the police arrive to unearth the corpses of nineteen pizza-delivery boys in its basement, it's the state that Illinois will describe to television reporters as the quietest, most unobtrusive neighbor it's ever had.

Because, see, there's something eerily, gloriously off about Wisconsin. It's something you can feel the moment you cross its borders. By the time you've passed your second or third roadside guns-cheese-and-fireworks stand, you're no longer surprised that Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, that guy who was arranging mail bombs in a nationwide happy-face pattern and the notorious "thong thief" all called this state home.

Ah, Wisconsin: that "fucked-up fairyland of horrors", as the tourist brochures put it. Where Florida has Disney World, Wisconsin has the Dells, a sprawling garden of grotesque fiberglass monstrosities clamoring in the shadow of Tommy Bartlett's pseudo-entertainment empire. Where California has the Watts Towers, Wisconsin has a remote stretch of desolate road populated exclusively by a lonely craftsman's army of screaming robot sculptures. Washington, D.C. has the Smithsonian; Wisconsin has the Baraboo Circus Museum. New York has the Guggenheim; Wisconsin, the House on the Rock. If you can find it elsewhere in the country, there's a good chance that you can find its hideously deformed twin lurking somewhere in Wisconsin, gnawing on fish heads and burbling to its Precious.

Nowhere is this phenomenon better documented than in Michael Lesy's excellent book Wisconsin Death Trip, published in 1973. (The book was later adapted into a documentary, but it's not available on video and had an extremely limited run in theaters.) Simultaneously disturbing and hilarious, Wisconsin Death Trip is a collection of photographs and newspaper clippings depicting a small town in Wisconsin in the final decade of the 19th century, replete with bizarre stories of crime, insanity, hauntings, witchcraft and demonic possession. To flip through this book is to realize that whatever the hell is going on with this twisted funhouse mirror of a state, it's been going on there for a long time.

posted by whitey at 12:37 PM | Comments (0)

April 22, 2003

On the First Amendment.

Gumby remembers what John Ashcroft and Ari Fleischer do not.


posted by whitey at 02:09 PM | Comments (1)

April 21, 2003

On The Clergy.


April 18, 2003


Mount Horeb, known primarily as the home of Mustard Museum (don't forget to order a 'Famous Wisconsin Cows' gift pack), is also home to a host of terrifying trolls. Chainsaw art trolls (see below) littering the lawns of denizens, businesses infested with trolls, everywhere - gruesome trolls. It seems likely they slaughter innocents at night, particularly the cleaver-wielding troll outside City Hall, so I recommend you avoid the town after sundown. Unlike vampires, a supersoaker filled with Holy Water is no match for their wiley wooden malice.

Soul-stealing Troll with Camera-photographed at great personal risk.

Demon possessed? Undoubtedly: "The Chicken Thief, one of Mike's first trolls, is next to Olson's Christmas House, and the Accordion Player can be found near the Mount Horeb Telephone Company. The latter captured the interest of a bus load of Norwegian visitors who also happened to be accordion players. According to Mike, the bus pulled over to the curb and the passengers got out with their own accordions and serenaded the troll for at least 20 minutes much to the delight of onlookers."

And vaguely related - the Mount Horeb Telephone Company hosts 'Fish Worship'?

April 17, 2003

On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin...

Government in action:

"I was trying to get on the donkey," she said. "He scooted away and I ended up on the floor - in more than one piece . . . Asked whether there was any special significance to her falling off a donkey, Albers said only, 'Read into it what you want.'"

On Retribution.

If Darryl Worley can exploit our sensitivity to Bin Laden's attacks and pretend it has something to do with Iraq, I can certainly use Gumby to do the same. Without resorting to staged military events, even.


April 14, 2003

On Tolerance.

Boycott the Boy Scoux Klan!

April 11, 2003

Land of the Swiss, and home of the Goat

At first you might think you're headed to Wisconsin to enjoy mini-golf in company of many fine fiberglass artworks. But that Wisconsin, she'll always do you one better, with livestock.

SwisslandGolf- now with live goats!

April 08, 2003

On Allegiance.

Gumby would have been a great running mate for Jesse 'the governor' Ventura.

"Ventura had hinted he would veto the bill, saying on several occasions he has seen no problem with patriotism in the United States, particularly after Sept. 11. And he compared a Pledge requirement to the indoctrination practiced by the Nazis and the Taliban." [from MPR]

April 07, 2003

On the Age of Majority.


April 04, 2003

On Church and State.

I only wish more elected officials were as progressive as Gumby.

Stop public money to religious activities.

April 03, 2003

Shiny Fiberglass Crap

At first glance, maybe this does seem like a charming summertime diversion for children...

Side view of frog slide

... but honestly, is this what we want our precious young'uns to learn to enjoy?

April 02, 2003

On National Icons.

Gumby firmly believes that freedom of expression is a right worth protecting.

Celebrate your right to wave or burn a flag!

April 01, 2003

Invisible Industry

Sometimes you think to yourself, "What makes Wisconsin so very special?" Is it merely the amazing local beers and the supernatural accumulation of kitsch that decorate this dairy-drenched land? Of course not. A national monopoly on the sphagnum industry, unmolested by the Sherman Anti-Trust laws and the corporate crackdowns of the SEC will surely carry this magnificent state boldly into the new age.


March 31, 2003

On Religion.


Rest assured that somewhere in Wisconsin, Gumby still fights the good fight.

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